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“I need do nothing.”
~A Course In Miracles

“Hi, I’m Scott and I’m a recovering workaholic. For the past three months I’ve had quite a quiet calendar. It’s not easy, having time and space on my hands. It shines a light on all those places where I don’t love myself yet, just for being me. It spotlights my tendency to derive my self-esteem from meaningful work and a constantly busy schedule.

Newly transplanted to Marin from a more contained city landscape, I’m hiking the trails, hugging the mountains, taking in great gobs of oxygen with every breath. There’s more trees and green things around me than anywhere I’ve ever lived before. In my daily life I’ve never felt so surrounded and embraced by nature.

Yesterday a deer strutted across my street. She stopped to gaze at me with the look of a creature who has never paid rent and never known shame. She had a saucy attitude and marinated me in eye contact longer than I was comfortable. “I don’t own the street,” she seemed to proclaim, “but neither do you.” I agreed, put my hands together, and bowed to her in solidarity and respect.

Who owns the street? The land? Me and you? Ownership was an utterly alien concept to the Native Americans when they ‘sold’ the island of Manhattan to some shrewd Europeans for $24.00 worth of beads.

Do I have ownership of my self, or do I rent? Does someone or something else own me? And if so, when was that sale made?

These questions are up close and personal right now while I seem to have been granted a bit of a reprieve. I’m off duty, at rest, hibernating with the bears, so to speak. What a gift of renewal, this time. I can relax and do nothing, enjoying the simplicity of being alive without an inner voice telling me that that it’s not enough, I’m not enough.

Yet at times I still feel owned and possessed by a permanently pressed foot on the accelerator, locked in a vehicle with no brakes, no neutral, no park and smell the roses. Can I turn off the juice at will and really relax?

So it seems I am a student back in driving school again, taking lessons at the Slow Down And Follow Your Bliss Driving Academy. The instructor keeps telling me to turn off the engine and recline my seat for a while. Roll down a window, or better yet, get out of the car and stretch.

I’m learning a lot lately about what’s been driving me and the madness of always moving.

And life is supporting me in this. Business has slowed so I can slow down as well. I’ve got plenty of savings in the bank, though my nervous inner accountant likes to anal-eyes my finances and pretend I’m going to run out and be homeless if I don’t keep the money machine going at all times. He advises me to stay within my financial comfort zone and not be too generous, especially with myself.

His mantra of many years (repeated ad-nauseam):

YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT!

Ridiculous, I say! I say it’s in my best interest to lighten up my uptight little accountant and introduce him to the abundance, majesty, benevolence, and grace that is running this here universe! No more giving my energy to scarcity and lack. I’m stretching to spend significantly more money on myself than my comfort zone is comfortable with. And lately that’s translated into many new and fun things, amongst them, horseback riding lessons.

Down the block from me is a stable. I went to pet a horse the other day (Cupcake) and she recoiled, trotting away as far as she could. Despite my semi-occasional success in not taking things personally, this time I went straight to rejection hell. “What’s wrong with me? I’m too needy for even a horse?”

The next day I visited Cupcake again, determined to get back in the saddle, so to speak. Instead of trying to pet her, I asked her to listen to my story and I poured my heart out about the changes and challenges I’m going through. She gave me eye contact for close to five minutes- still, close, and present in a way that most of us in this ADD rampant culture find nearly impossible to sustain. I felt supported and walked away feeling significantly better. We had some quality moments.

That’s when I realized that riding a horse gently down a trail with no pressing destination would be good for my soul right now.

Born and raised in New York City where most of Nature’s creatures were behind bars or in cans, I sometimes felt like one of the packed human sardines, bumping up against other people but feeling totally separate from them. Everybody seemed to have a clearly private, personal agenda, frantic to get somewhere, adrenaline rush hour most of the day and night.

And now there are deer crossing my street and a family of wild turkeys sometimes in full view right outside the window of my girlfriend’s bedroom.

Marin is protected, natural, green, and wild. 85% open space.

Like my life, currently. My to-do list these days has been short and sweet, making room for a growing to-be list. Free time and free will, God’s greatest gift, to do and be what I want.

I want an open heart. I want to be a creature that can sustain eye contact with a deer, a horse, a person, and not shy away in fear or busyness. I want my movement to come from the center of stillness, my words from the heart of silence. I want what I do to flow from a deep wellspring of pure beingness. I want to be at peace with what is, and be present enough to enjoy it.

It’s what most animals on this planet experience as their ordinary state. And it’s a state that many people would call enlightenment, or self-realization. It’s funny how we humans romanticize and make special what’s meant to be normal and natural.

Seasons change, and spring will bring hibernating bears and troubadours out of their caves.

My schedule is about to get insane again in a few weeks.

I’m beginning to realize that I don’t have to…

Scott Kalechstein, the author of this article, is a modern day troubadour and inspirational speaker. He makes his home in Marin County, CA and travels through the United States, Canada and Europe giving concerts, talks and workshops, as well as presenting at conferences. Visit Scott's website to read more about his work or to sample songs from his nine CD’s. Send him an email to receive articles like this one on a bi-monthly basis.

Living the Soulful Life
This column appears bi-monthly in publications nation-wide! To enjoy more of Scott's writings, please visit the San Diego sections of Awareness Magazine.

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